Down, down

Is it  possible to spiral downwards even when medicated and feel it happening?

Life got me - again-

I sometimes think I hate too much. Right now, I hate how life is going. And I hate that I hate it. I mean, I should be happy. We were able to pay some bills and get supplies we needed, but I'm still not happy. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be happy. We are living in the crappy house where the floors are failing and the wind comes through the old windows with no problems. Of course during the winter that is a big problem. Unfortunately, we were stupid enough that now we cannot afford to move and do not have any rental agencies that will trust us enough to let us rent from them without 2-3x the deposit amount. We can't afford to be living where we are anyways..... the rent is more than one of my checks alone and the other goes to power. I hate that we cannot do more for the kids. I am trying to find more work, but that doesn't seem to be working out either. Right now, we owe so many people money....its horrible. 

And I hate that we never do anything as a family except for maybe going to the grocery store :-( I want to take the kids to the park or a movie or the beach or somewhere. I mean, they go to church with me but that's different. I don't like this whole split thing, it sucks! And I can't complain about it, because then I'm just being mean and pointing out flaws. I can't even mention any of this because it only causes fights and more problems. It's .... I don't even know what it is. 

I wish I knew what to do to fix it all.