Magdumped- A female perspective on the Sig Sauer P239

Down, down

Is it  possible to spiral downwards even when medicated and feel it happening?

Life got me - again-

I sometimes think I hate too much. Right now, I hate how life is going. And I hate that I hate it. I mean, I should be happy. We were able to pay some bills and get supplies we needed, but I'm still not happy. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be happy. We are living in the crappy house where the floors are failing and the wind comes through the old windows with no problems. Of course during the winter that is a big problem. Unfortunately, we were stupid enough that now we cannot afford to move and do not have any rental agencies that will trust us enough to let us rent from them without 2-3x the deposit amount. We can't afford to be living where we are anyways..... the rent is more than one of my checks alone and the other goes to power. I hate that we cannot do more for the kids. I am trying to find more work, but that doesn't seem to be working out either. Right now, we owe so many people money....its horrible. 

And I hate that we never do anything as a family except for maybe going to the grocery store :-( I want to take the kids to the park or a movie or the beach or somewhere. I mean, they go to church with me but that's different. I don't like this whole split thing, it sucks! And I can't complain about it, because then I'm just being mean and pointing out flaws. I can't even mention any of this because it only causes fights and more problems. It's .... I don't even know what it is. 

I wish I knew what to do to fix it all. 

Me, myself, I

I am emotionally and physically exhausted and no none cares. They say they do, and might help with a few things, but then its just back to the same thing. I guess it's true that you have to take care of you, although at times it wasn't that way. I hate sounds so .... naggy and mean. But if I try and say things nicely, it doesn't seem to make any difference, it just gets treated like I don't know any better.

I can't wait to save a little and be able to move somewhere cheaper but better than the falling down house. Maybe that will help a little once we only have our own stuff to worry about.

Sometimes, the thought sneaks in that maybe this is God punishing me for being married, divorced, married, divorced, married again and all to non-believers. But then I think that that's all in my past and when I was buried and raised with Christ, that was all forgiven. I tell you though, it's hard being married to an un-believer. I get no help.

I wish, I wish.
I don't even know what to wish for.

I'm trying to stretch $1275 a month for:

Rent 650
EMC  300
Ins.  35
Ch14 172
Gas  200
Adv.   8


not counting any extra stuff we try and do....

I'm such a disappointment. And I don't know how to fix it.

Tired

Sometimes I get so tired. Like bone deep tired. And it never fails that is the night there is homework for him, the kids act all crazy and I feel completely alone. Alone. I know I shouldn't feel alone and that I am really not, but times like tonight I do. Jack is up and down screaming about not wanting to stay in hi bed. lili is finally asleep and Sean is doing homework. I'm sitting here wanting to pull my hair out over stuff not done that I have no desire to get up and do and know I need to get to bed so that I can get up for church and fight with the kids again in the morning.  :-(  I hate how it's all such a battle. How can trying to live right and clean, have the kids learn routines and clean lives, always be such a battle to fight every time!

I wish I could share all of this with them, but there is no way that would happen, it would only cause problems. And we have enough of those as it is. I don't want to add any more problems to life.

I wish..

I honestly don't know what I wish. I know I'm sounding like a whiny child right now and that hurts too. I don't know which way our lives are going and sometimes lately it seems like every step to better them is making them worse or getting completely shot down.


I need help, but I'm afraid there is none to be found that works in my life. 

Hold You Up Shane Harper~ Cover by Graycie Eason (My friends daughter)

My Independence

There is something just awesome and perfect about sitting under an oak tree watching the sun go down on a large pond waiting for the fireworks to start!



This was our view yesterday evening. Celebrating the 4th of July, America's Independence Day with some friends in our little town. We saw an amazing fireworks show and the kids ran and played. Even the mosquitoes weren't too bad for a change. It did make me think though. I love my country, even when I'm aggravated at it.

However, my personal independence does not come from my country. It doesn't come from my husband or my children. My personal independence comes from only God above. He gave me my life back, gave me light again to shine in this world that is so dark at times we cannot recognize each other. If I don't appreciate that independence first then what am I showing him, other than ingratitude. I want to show him and tell him every day how thankful I am and how much more I want to be like his own son that gave it all for us those many years ago.

This year, starting on July 5th, I am going to try my very hardest to show God every day how thankful I am for not only the life he has given me, but for the light that he brought into my life when I gave my soul over to him!